“How does that make you feel?”

This phrase is often used, not by real counselors, but Hollywood’s depiction of counseling. I learned early on in a counseling class to never ever ask, “How does that make you feel?” It is great to ask, “How do you feel…” or even “How did you feel…” but never “make you feel”. As we role played in class, any time my professor heard “make you feel”, she would shout out, “No one makes you feel anything.”

A few years ago, my dad recommended a book called “Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts.” I am currently re-reading it for the second time because it’s that good and you need to read it too! (Review coming soon.)

In chapter three, authors Les and Leslie Parrott ask the question, “Have you developed a habit of happiness?” They explain how developing this habit is less about life circumstances and more about one’s own decision. Just as my professor hammered into us, no one makes you feel anything, they point out how you—and only you—control how you respond to situations. You can choose a habit of happiness or not; the decision is yours. The actions and words of others can cause deep feelings, but no one makes you feel anything.

I’ll be the first to admit I’ve had a pretty good life. I’ve felt relatively little hurt, heartache, and pain. I’ve walked with enough people and experienced enough to know how unfair life is at times. I’ve walked with people through very tough situations and I know some have a very legitimate case for being upset and bitter about life. There is so much outside our control, sometimes we find ourselves waist deep in manure. Sometimes it’s ours, sometimes it’s not. Sometimes we walked right into it, and sometimes it was shoveled on us by life or others. Life’s not fair!

You have two choices.
1. Stand in the manure.
– It is very easy to stand in the manure and complain about your circumstances. It’s easy to stand there and blame others for the circumstances around you.
– Sometimes you need to stand in it. When a friend is hurting and you find yourself in the middle of their manure with them, stand there with them.

2. Walk out of the manure.
– It’s messy, it seeps into your shoes, and it smells worse as you mix it up on your way out. Sometimes the only way to clean up is to get messy.
– Make sure you don’t walk out of a manure pile you need to be in with a friend.

Truth is, you may have no control of your circumstances, but you, and only you, control your actions and your response. You can stand or get out. You can be happy or sad. You can speak up or stay quiet. You can get angry or walk away. You can love or hate.

Each situation is different. As Solomon reminds us, there is a time for everything under the sun. There’s a time to stand firm, a time to get out. There’s a time to speak and a time to stay quiet. There’s a time to get angry and a time to walk away. There’s a time to love and a time to hate.

Take responsibility for your actions and feelings because you are the only one who controls them.