In January, my wife and I began fostering a teenage girl. She’s a sweet girl who’s been through a lot. She is not the first teenager or student we have fostered. We both have done it individually as well as together. She was with us a lot longer than anyone else. There has been so much I’ve learned through this process I thought I would share a few insights.

1. Life is not fair

She has been through so much she didn’t ask for and has no say. She has little to no control over anything in her life and she feels every ounce of it. I believe we have about the same amount of control in our lives, but we at least get to have the illusion of control. We feel in control when we drive, but we have no control of other drivers. The more I looked around me I feel more of an illusion of control rather than actually possessing control. We need to realize how little control we have and seek out what we can do to help others instead of striving to have our egos inflated with false impressions.

2. I have a limit 

I can be really independent and don’t like asking for help at all. Even when people reach out and try to help, I’m hesitant and like to do things on my own. Our Worship Minister joking calls me Superman at times, and I came to the realization during this season that I am in fact not Superman. (Unfortunately, I’m not even Batman.) I had to say no to things. I took a step back from other responsibilities. We all have limited time in each day and limits of what we can accomplish in that time. There are a lot of good things we can do with that time, but the questions we should ask ourselves are 1) What do I value the most? And 2) What is the best use of my time?

3. There are only so many people we can pour into

Our foster daughter has a team of probably 25 people fighting for her. Between therapist, social workers, foster parents, DSS, Guardian ad Litem, and many more. And yet, very few of them ever interact with her on any kind of regular basis. Our foster daughter had maybe 5 people who saw her frequently enough to really know her. And I don’t know why I’m surprised. I only have 24 hours in a day and sleep takes a huge chunk of that! I also have a job and a wife on which I choose to spend a lot of time. I wish I had the time to get to know everyone in the church on a deep and personal level. Truth is I don’t. And working in the church, it’s an unspoken expectation. I wish I could get to know my neighbors and people at the gym on a deep personal level. But I can’t. Not only are we limited by the hours in a day, but I only have enough emotional bandwidth to invest in a small handful of people. Jesus found himself in a similar situation and only poured into 12 individuals.

4. Sometimes life doesn’t work out as you hope

Our foster daughter ran away a couple of weeks ago. As the events unfolded, I felt like I was watching a movie where I was the main character. It was surreal. We found her, she’s safe, and for multiple reasons cannot come back to live with us. It was a long week to say the least. But oh my goodness!! The love and support from friends, family, church family, and strangers we had never met before was AMAZING! Hannah made the comment in the midst of everything, “I just need people to be good”. There are in fact so many good people in this world.

5. It’s hard to face consequences

Our foster daughter has not had to face many consequences for her actions in the past. All our actions have consequences. Some are good, some are bad. All of them can have an impact on others without intention. It is so difficult to always be thinking through consequences, how they affect others, and owning them when the consequences aren’t great. We love to play the blame game instead of owning our own mistakes and cleaning up our own messes.

6. We aren’t great at self-care

Both as a couple, and especially as a culture, we struggle with healthy self-care. Self-care is certainly becoming a buzz word and often I think some people use it as a reason to be lazy or delay responsibility. Like so many other things, self-care is a good and healthy reality most don’t understand. It is listening to your soul when you need to rest. Rest is not laziness, it is actively doing life-giving activities to fill your soul. Proper self-care allows us to pour into others! We intentionally pour out for others, but we have to also fill up.

7. We will foster again!

Yes, I need a break. My wife and I both do. We both poured out a lot and we need time to rest. But as difficult as it can be, we have been called to serve sacrificially and this is such a small way we can care for the widows and the orphans as God has called us too. We still encourage others to foster and will be more than willing to help however we can. God has not called us to serve merely when it’s convenient or easy, but when life is messy and tough.