Several years ago I broke up with a girl. Afterwards, I had a couple of people asked me what kind of girl I was looking for. My immediate reaction was- NO THANK YOU! I’d had my fair share of blind dates set up by people who had the perfect girl for me, and I they had NOT gone well! (No, the irony of my wife and I being set up on a blind date is not lost on me….) I assumed these friends had someone in mind for me and wanted to set me up. But they did not. They truly believed it would be beneficial for me to list out what I was looking for in a wife.

HUH??? I thought. Isn’t that what middle school girls do?? The thought of making a list felt unfamiliar. The more I thought about it though, I decided to give it a shot.

I’m not saying my list lead me to my dream girl. It did not. What it did help me do is narrow down what was important to me. I had lots of first dates. Many of them I’d even say were good. I also had lots of dates where I wouldn’t have been opposed to a second date, but I also wouldn’t be upset if I never heard from her again. What this list did was help me put an end to the wrong relationships before they got started and before I wasted my time.

A while later, I met this girl. During the first date she took my breath away!! But how did she stack up to my list? Well I ended up marrying her!! I told her about my list while we were dating but never let her see it. I read it to her a week before we were married and told her how many people had been praying for her for decades! I told her how I had been praying for her for years before I met her, how God fulfilled every desire of my heart in her.

While it is certainly very personal, I thought I’d share with you my list. I’ve added some commentary, but here is the unedited list of 18 important things about the woman I wanted to marry. Here’s how it started…

If it is within the will of God for me to do ministry with a wife one day, I ask God to bring me someone who…

• I took the words of Paul very seriously when he promotes singleness and encouraging those who can to remain single. At this point in my life when I wrote this list, I surely wanted to be married, but from time to time wondered if I needed to remain single. The last thing I wanted to do was just get married for the sake of getting married. So, if God thought it best for me to remain single, it was for the Kingdom of God. If God thought it best for me to marry, it must be for the Kingdom of God. As I mentioned, I did later marry. Her name is Hannah. We were married July 7, 2018. It’s been less than a year and what a ride it’s been!! (Check out her blog at www.thissweetlybrokenlife.com)

Is madly in love with God

• I’m sure this goes without saying as my faith is of utmost importance in my life, but it needed to be on the list, and it needed to be number one. The rest of the list is not numbered in order of importance but in the order that came to mind. I did not merely want someone who did the Church thing or was on the outskirts of Christianity. I wanted someone who was madly in love with God. Not just the American Church view of God or Christianity, but had a very personal relationship with God and loved Him deeply. 

Is a devout disciple of Jesus

• To me there’s a big difference between being a Christian on Sundays or when it is most convenient, and really being a disciple of Christ. There is even a difference between loving God deeply and following Him closely. I don’t want the woman I marry to merely do the Christian thing because it’s what she grew up doing. I want someone who has worked out her faith with fear and trembling (Philippians 2:12). I want a girl who is passionate about following Jesus in every aspect of her life regardless of the cost.

Has high Godly character

• I wanted a girl who personally pursued and was known for her Godly character. I wanted a woman who others say truly is a woman after God’s own heart. I know she will mess up and won’t be perfect. (It also helps if she can admit her mistakes and laugh at herself from time to time!) But she needs to be a woman who strives for the highest of integrity and character in all aspects of life.

Intimately knows the joy of God  

• To me, it wasn’t enough for my future wife to know God, I wanted her to enjoy God. I wanted a wife who found her joy in knowing God and looked to him for her joy and not temporary circumstances.
• Hannah has a favorite quote from Khalil Gibran, “The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.” I don’t know if I realized it at the time. If I did, I couldn’t put these words to it. Knowing the joys of God means sticking with Him through the valleys. I wanted a wife who would stick with Christ regardless of how hard life got.

Enjoys the outdoors (mountains)

• The mountains are not just something I enjoy. They bring me life. It’s where I am most relaxed and I feel home. I love camping, backpacking, whitewater rafting, and anything that involved being outdoors in the mountains. The mountains don’t have to be her favorite place nor does she have to enjoy them as much as I do. But she must be able to enjoy it to some degree because of the life it brings me to be there.
• Hannah’s favorite place is the beach, not the mountains. But she enjoys camping and loves being in the mountains with me. Road trips to both the beach and the mountains have been some of our favorite times together!

Loves dogs

• We have always had dogs growing up and I have a chocolate lab now. I want dogs to be a part of my life for a long time and I wanted whoever I marry to feel the same.
• Hannah and I disagree about the kind of dog we want next, but she loves my dog, Sky. Sky has certainly become our dog and we will have another after her. (Hopefully a loooooong time from now!)

Is passionate about missions

• My first mission trip was to Honduras the summer before I started high school. It was an incredible eye-opening experience and I immediately fell in love with missions. Since then I’ve been to Haiti, China, Mexico several times, and been involved with lots of missions in the United States. I partner financially with mission organizations and see it as a critical aspect of my faith. I wanted my wife to share my passion and desire for missions.
• Hannah spent an entire summer in South Africa taking care of infants at an orphanage. After hearing her talk about her experience and other times here in our community serving it was clear she had a passion for missions as well. I was falling for her hard! 

Can cook

• Let’s face it, I like food!! And cookie dough for breakfast can’t last forever… though it would be great if it could! I need the woman I marry to be able to cook well and often! Best case scenario would be marrying a chef, right!?!?!
• Ok, Hannah’s not a chef. She teaches 2nd grade. But man can she cook!! I’d have to say my favorite is a wonderful spinach garlic cheese dip thing. So good! 

Already tithes

• This was without a doubt a non-negotiable. A Biblical tithe, bringing 10% of our income to God, was not something I was willing to give up. I feel strongly that all Christians should tithe to their local church they are a part of and be generous on top of that to other organizations and people. Knowing that money is one of the top reasons for arguments in marriage, I decided that I would only consider marrying someone who already made tithing a part of their lifestyle.
• When I asked Hannah if she tithed, I was terrified! I was already falling hard and I knew if the answer was no, I had to make a tough decision. I finally got up the nerve to ask and told her I had a personal question to ask. I asked, do you tithe? She gave me a strange look and chuckled as she asked, “That’s your tough question? Yeah, of course I do. Why?” She didn’t understand yet how serious I was about it. To me, it speaks to her faithfulness to God, where she is on her journey as a disciple of Christ, and how integral her faith is to her life. Her response could not have been any better!

Wants to adopt

• Since I lived in Kentucky doing an internship at Tates Creek Christian Church, I have been interested in fostering and adopting. I kept putting it off for the longest time because, as a single guy in ministry, time simply did not give me the opportunity to foster well. It has been on my heart since then and I hope to adopt one day. Adoption is a big deal! I wanted to marry someone who desired to do the same one day.
• When Hannah and I started dating, she told me about an agency with which she was in the process of applying to do respite care. I did not know what that was or that it was even an option. She was very hesitant for us to do it together; understandably so. But we began the journey toward fostering, separately but together, as we dated. We have fostered separately, and now we have fostered together. We are both excited to see who God brings to us through fostering.

Values holiness over happiness

• Holiness is certainly not the popular choice. And it’s a far cry from the easy choice. But that is what God has called us to pursue. I have heard so many people question, doesn’t God want you to be happy? Sure He does, but not at the expense of holiness. Not if it means going against His Holy Word. I truly believe that truly pursuing holiness is the only way to be really happy in the long run. I wanted to marry a woman who understood the importance and the joy of holiness over happiness.

Does not misuse the name of God

• This was a big one too! I’m not a huge fan of foul language. But I literally cringe when I hear Christians take the Lord’s name in vain! I cannot stand it! Exodus 20:7 says, “You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain, for the LORD will not leave him unpunished who takes His name in vain.”  Every first date I went on I listened very carefully for this one. If I heard her misuse the name of God, I was polite for the rest of the date and never had another one. Immediate deal breaker.

Physically attractive (Values health) 

• Physical appearance is not the most important thing in relationships, but it is important. You need to be attracted physically to the person you marry. It was that simple. She needs to be hot. Not by worldly standards, but to me. Also, she needs to value health. I don’t want to marry someone so concerned about appearances who would not eat or would wear a ton of makeup. I wanted someone who valued health and was smoking hot!!
• And boy is Hannah HOTT!!! WOW!!

Shares similar views on doctrine and theology

• No one will ever completely and correctly understand everything about scripture and everything about God. But there are certain doctrines that are important and need to align close ish. This was one that was a little more subjective. I wanted to marry someone who knew scriptures well enough to speak intelligently on matters of doctrine. Especially as a minister, I felt as though we needed to be fairly close on doctrines and theology. While I firmly believe it’s ultimately between you and God, I needed to know that my wife would not strongly disagree with what I preached.
• I tried hard not to bring up doctrine and theology on any first date… but it just happened. Several people asked Hannah if our first date was a date or a job interview. We talked doctrine and theology for the last hour of our first date. We didn’t, and still don’t, agree on absolutely everything. But the longer we talked, we realized that the main differences were in terminology and the practical implications were virtually identical.

Quiet and gentle spirit from within – 1 Peter 3:4

• I added this one during my personal quiet time one day when I came across 1 Peter 3:4. “but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God.” I figured, if it is precious in the sight of God, it’s an important characteristic for my future wife.
• When you meet Hannah for the first time, quiet and gentle may not be what you see. Depending on the setting, she is most comfortable as a fierce and independent woman. And yet, for those who know her best, we know she also has the quiet and gentle spirit from within. It is not a weakness, it is not a strictly feminine quality. It is the mark of a mature believer.

Similar understanding of what a Biblical family looks like

• Scripture has specific things to say about family; about raising a children, marriage, and what it should look like. My future wife and I needed to have the same understanding of a Biblical family. What does it look like to submit to each other? What does it look like for me to be the spiritual head of the family? What does Biblical child rearing look like? What is our Biblical goal as a family?

Understanding, from God – Proverbs 19:14

• Proverbs 19:14 says, “House and wealth are an inheritance from fathers, But a prudent wife is from the LORD.” I highlighted that verse years ago as I started praying for my future wife. I didn’t simply want a wife. I wanted a woman from God to be a partner with me in ministry. I wanted a wife who leaned not on her own understanding but the wisdom of God from the Holy Spirit within her.

Loves my family and my family loves her

• My family is super important to me! Even though it’s been a long time since I’ve lived at my parent’s house, we are very close. I have heard horror stories about in-law relationships and that’s the last thing I wanted! Sure, there will be tension as we create our new family, new traditions, new routines and all the changes that come with marriage. But I needed my family to like her and her to like my family. I could not imagine marrying a woman my family couldn’t stand. When you marry, you gain a whole other family. Good, bad, or ugly, you marry into the other’s family.
• It’s difficult being so far from my family. I wish we were closer. It’s tough to be close to her parents while also far from mine. We do a lot more with her family and it makes me miss mine all the more. (Don’t get me wrong, I have great in-laws!!) My mom has told me several times how proud she is that I’m following God even though it’s far away. One day that might change. Maybe then I will wish my parents were further away! But I doubt it.